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Calm First, Skills Second—Co-Regulation at Home and School

<5 minute read

Copyright © 2018-2025 Dr David P Ruttenberg. All rights reserved.


A picture of two brains....one on the left side labelled "alarm" that is surrounded by stressful lines, dots, and colors indicating it is dysregulated. The right side brain is calm, labelled "able" and is regulated surrounded my supporting lines and shapes. In between is an arrow pointing from left to right with the words: co-regulation: "calm, first, then skill".
Calm First, Then Skill: A dysregulated brain is in an "alarm" state, unable to learn a new skill. Co-regulation shifts the nervous system back to regulated (able) by pairing predictable inputs with steady social cues.

When we first discovered the power of co-regulation, it wasn’t in a clinic—it was in our kitchen, with a loud blender and a frazzled morning. A steady hand on the back. Matching breaths. Lowering the lights. No lectures, no “use your words”—just nervous system to nervous system, bringing Phoebe back from the edge (Ruttenberg, 2025).


What Is Co-Regulation (and Why It Works)

Co-regulation is when a calm adult helps a child’s nervous system settle—before expecting new skills or tasks (Bradshaw & Wolfe, 2022). Visuals, environmental tweaks, and low-word support help the body move from alarm to able; calm comes first, then learning (Zaidman-Zait & Mirenda, 2018).


Routines and Rituals: Calming, Not Commanding

For us, patterns were powerful. Morning plans (first shoes, then music), after-school resets (walk before homework), and predictable bedtime steps (“We’re landing the day”) kept daily transitions gentle and made learning possible (Quinn & Guralnick, 2020). When days went sideways, a reset—lowering demands, soft lights, movement, water—protected relationships.


School Strategies That Actually Work

Helping Phoebe at school meant:


  • A “ready-to-learn” plan (quiet arrival minute, visual steps)

  • Written instructions alongside verbal ones

  • Predictable, scaffolded transitions (“In 2 minutes, we’ll switch to science”)These small adjustments—paired with teacher consistency—reduced fires and increased time on task (American Psychological Association, 2023).


Meltdowns and Shutdowns: Compassion, Not Consequences

We learned to tell the difference between meltdowns (system overload) and shutdowns (energy conservation). Both received respect: for meltdowns, we cleared the deck and lowered input; for shutdowns, presence without pressure. Planned recovery was never a “secret test”—it was real support (Zaidman-Zait & Mirenda, 2018).


Moving from Coregulation to Co-Planning

As Phoebe grew, we shifted from “I’m with you” to “let’s plan this together.” Sunday previews, two-day plans (“green” vs. “yellow” days), and quick adjustments cut stress at home and school. Even a hallway reset minute or headphones made a big difference (Han & Kim, 2025; Bradshaw & Wolfe, 2022).


Final Takeaway: Calm First. Skills Second. Dignity Always.

A regulated brain is ready, a dysregulated brain can’t learn—and calm is the plate everything sits on (Ruttenberg, 2025). Give yourself and your child permission to reset, adjust, and move forward with dignity. These rituals, done kindly and consistently, are the true superpower for neurodivergent growth.


References

American Psychological Association. (2023). Autism spectrum disorder. https://www.apa.org/topics/autism-spectrum-disorder
Bradshaw, J., & Wolfe, K. (2022). Advances in supporting parents in interventions for autism spectrum disorder. Pediatric Clinics of North America, 69(4), 645–656. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pcl.2022.04.003
Han, A. R., & Kim, K. M. (2025). A meta-analysis of parent-mediated intervention programs for children with autism spectrum disorder. Korean Society of Occupational Therapy, 33(2), 1–15. https://doi.org/10.14519/ksot.2025.33.2.001
Quinn, E., & Guralnick, M. J. (2020). Early intervention with parents of children with autism spectrum disorders: A review of programs. Journal of Educational and Developmental Psychology, 10(2), 1–13. https://doi.org/10.5539/jedp.v10n2p1
Ruttenberg, D. (2025). Calm First, Skills Second—Co-Regulation at Home and School (Draft Chapter 2).
Zaidman-Zait, A., & Mirenda, P. (2018). The association between emotional and behavioral problems in children with autism spectrum disorder and psychological distress in their parents: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(9), 3123–3144. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-018-3564-4


About the Author:


Dr David Ruttenberg PhD, FRSA, FIoHE, AFHEA, HSRF is a neuroscientist, autism advocate, Fulbright Specialist Awardee, and Senior Research Fellow dedicated to advancing ethical artificial intelligence, neurodiversity accommodation, and transparent science communication. With a background spanning music production to cutting-edge wearable technology, Dr Ruttenberg combines science and compassion to empower individuals and communities to thrive. Inspired daily by their brilliant autistic daughter and family, Dr Ruttenberg strives to break barriers and foster a more inclusive, understanding world.

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